Other Writings

Drew's Eulogy

When Drew and I first moved in the house, we used the upstairs bathroom while we remodeled the master bath. When Drew showered, I would always sit on top of the stairs and chat with him. We were doing our normal ritual when I heard “crash, boom, bang” coming from the shower. I looked over and of course Drew had fallen but it was how he landed that was priceless. His head was poking out of the bottom of the shower curtain which could only mean one thing – he was sideways with his ass in the air. So I started laughing, then he started laughing, then his butt started laughing, which made us both lose it because farts are always funny. It took at least 15 minutes for me to ask him if he was ok, and for him to un-pretzel himself.

This is the most difficult and the easiest thing I will ever write. Talk about my husband and about our love, and all the laughs – so easy. Saying it all in past tense – crushingly hard.

Not a lot of people know this but Drew and I worked together at Fuddruckers when we were 17. Me – in the limelight as a counter girl and him as a scrawny kid making meat patties. We were both into the 90s rave scene – where it was fashionable to have pant bottoms so big you could hide the seven dwarves in the bottoms of your pants. We actually realized that we were at so many of the same places at the same time – that we had similar memories. At 32, we met again through a dating app, and the first night we spoke – we talked for 6 hours. Second night, 6 hours, third night – first date. I was so nervous about meeting him – and he said, well – if it helps, when I see you, I will probably kiss you. That oddly enough helped, So when I got to the restaurant – we shared our first kiss at the beginning of the date. Then we ate amazing food and Drew pretended to like sushi – he had never had it before. Then it was coffee and then we went back to his truck laid in the back and just talked. It was a dream – I knew instantly that this was it – I was lucky – I found my soul mate. Loving Drew is easy like Sunday morning.

Drew was my better half in every interpretation of that phrase. He was better than me and he made me better. The most caring and sensitive person I have ever met. I used to call him Atlas – cause he would always carry the weight of the world on himself. I know at times he felt crushed – and I did my best to lighten him and let him lean on me. Drew was my voice of reason – he was my inner calm. I remember hearing him on the phone with a utility company that had pissed us off and I hear him say, “Sir, You can work this out with me, or I can put my wife on the phone and trust me, you don’t want that.” *shrug*that’s fair. He was my serenity after a hard day, my comfort with my health issues, my escort in the grocery store, he was the reason that I wasn’t allowed to go to home depot by myself (apparently, you don’t buy an axe every time you go and you aren’t supposed to try on multiple tool belts – at the same time and the reason he ALWAYS went to best buy alone (standing for 30 minutes at each item while he reads all the reviews – at least at women’s shopping there are chairs. Geez. Drew quite literally saved my life – he was the reason that I went to the hospital in the morning 2 days after our wedding – where they found a blood clot in my brain. Drew was the great protector – he always shielded me even when he shouldn’t have. He was my best friend – the person who could make me laugh and who I laughed with the most. He was all my inside jokes, all my comfort with my anxiety. He was the goofiest, the nerdiest, the weirdest and the best person. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me.

Him not here, well, it’s weird, it’s too soon. We had plans and dreams. We were going to grow old, me in a rocking chair, him watering a plastic plant wearing shorts, a tank top, knee high socks and flip flops – yelling at the kids to stay off our lawn. Even in the short time since, I keep wanting to tell him a joke or something that happened and keep reaching out for his hand – and it’s not there. This sucks. Drew was so loved and so smart. Sometimes it was hard for him to see it. He was surrounding by love all time. He has the most amazing parents who he always looked up and to and he just wanted to make them proud. Elaine said something to me the other day and I was so moved – she said the he was the best parts of her and Rennie and that Drew had Elaine’s heart – and that is so incredibly true. I cannot fathom how much pain they are feeling right now – but for me – my heart is broken, crushed, demolished. It will repair over time – but will never feel the same.

Our anniversary date from when we started dating was July 12 (it was 2012). Drew died on July 13, 2023. It took us 15 years to reconnect (after meeting at 17) and I got 11 years with him. I wish it was so much more like our dreams – but am thankful for the time I got and that it wasn’t less. I love Drew infinity + 1. And yes you can add one to infinity because as Drew taught me – science.

Lynn Logic - Raw Thoughts I Wrote While I Was (and still am) Healing

Movie category - movies to watch when you want to seem cool, essentially, if you say the movie is bad and someone's response contains any words like metaphor, consumerism or the dichotomy of the genders in Roman civilization, you know, douchey shit.
Snapple is the conjunction of snappy apple.
Adults that cry about going to Disney parks creep me out.
I'm am a Jewish Taurus, I have a shit ton of wish lists (materialism), but won't spend the money on things.
Look at starry night, how long has the Mordor mountain remains been in it.
I would love to be a very successful writer for comedy and be completely anonymous or just be a writer.
Fuck brunch.
I constantly forget what I'm watching while watching it or forget where I am at while driving on roads I drive on everyday.
I hate why questions and sentences that start off as I don't like it and here is why.
I hate defending myself.
Pop up videos for movies that give tid bits of info and point out subtle clues. Basically, the writer tells you how they want you to see and notice.
When reading a book or article or whatever, I lose entire interest when I get to a grammatical mistake, like that one nasty over Chewy chicken sandwich bite you spit out that ruins the rest of the sandwich. However, oddly enough - I insert intentional grammar errors when I write.
I don't like zombies stuff because there are always humans that use it to start their own cult and torture for power.
The mist is the worst ending of any movie, ever.
I love how locals have their own pronunciation of their town or city. Concord vs. Conkerd, Edinburgh vs edinbrugh.
I want the confidence that an actor playing someone who definitely gets to live thru a horror film has.
The grudge, the story of where the original "karen" became into being, a parallel universe where buffy never becomes the slayer and Ford never has a tumor and never lives in Roswell and is human, they stay together and she goes with him to Japan. Marcy (Clea duvall) is seen and has friends. She gets married and her and her family including mother in law move to Japan. The mother in law has another daughter Laura Palmer who was murdered in twin peaks by her husband. Causing her health to decline ultimately leading to a stroke. Also bill Pullman never became president, so the aliens came later and killed everyone. Apocalypse of parallel universe. Timeline corrected.
The major corrupter of any religion or belief is man in his infinite quest for power and control.
Pulse - parallel universe where Veronica Mars never solved a case and Damien Salvatore was the doppelganger. Completely selfish, he is the reason. Why everyone is dead in Mystic Falls. Christina Milan was never good at cheerleaders and she never grew up to win an Inn / bed&breakfast. Johnathan Tuckers college years after the virgin suicides. Then there is Samm Levine who is tied to too many parallel universes so he is expendable. Octavia Spencer is the landlord after being the cleaning lady at a government facility harboring a reptile water creature, and the cleaning lady in someone's home where she fed them her shit then taught a white woman how to make fried chicken. Since this apocalyptic event occurs, this erases this timeline.
I wonder if anyone else gets frustrated with constantly being misunderstood since we don't communicate telepathically.
The only way it is ok to joke about 9/11 is if you are making fun of Pete Davidson. Otherwise, it "too soon"
The most logical and realistic representation about how someone would act in horror movies is the scary movie franchise. Especially in current years.
Game idea - given a disaster movie, you have to pick a place to be in the movie where you think you will survive. Example - on the boat in Poseidon, when it flips, where are you that you yourself could survive.
At what point does aging become unattractive? Everybody is just an aging baby....but at some point aging becomes gross. I am sure that it differs between genders and ethnicities, but what is the age? Hell my people look like melted wax when we age. Oooh - as an old woman I can play the candlestick (Lumiere) in Beauty & the Beast - At least my melted wax will double as make-up. hahaha
All entertainment from books to movies to music to art to comedy is just stories told in different mediums. How the story is told is what is attractive to the audiences. For instance, to be a comedian it is taking an amusing life story and adding anecdotes, embellishments, and metaphors to make it amusing. To see a common story from that comedian's perspective.
Invention - tracking upc codes for your house with an app. So you can "google" an object and find it in your house.
Create a virtual memory so you can search older memories for accurate details and/or comfort for dementia patients. like a technological pensieve.
Movie or book idea - a community of serial killers getting discovered - do they get away with it or get caught? Twisty and unexpected killer in the end. Details details details. Foreshadow for everyone to be either a victim or the killer of killers. Ends up being an authority figure-he gets away with it every time - create the first book in a series by making people think it is one type of book on to end up being the intro book for a killer of killers (not dexter at all) - turns out he is a genius who sees killing as a comedy act. Inspired by the NJ long oak island/gilgo beach serial killer.
What if the gilgo beach/Atlantic city burial grounds are just an initiation into a serial killer group. Part of the initiation is that the killers have to taunt or get someone to taunt the families. Technology is making the initiation nearly impossible. Or the real killers get away with it because all the serial killers are rich. Or not charged because the government uses the group to pick and chooses their victims for whatever reason.
It only takes a little oxygen for a spark.
There is a fine line between sexy and serial killer. I want to eat you up - can be taken differently.
Odd thought- I keep making jokes that I am too interesting now, that I have had too much trauma...depressing. But the other side of the effect is my perception. How do I put this, without sounding like a dick....eh? Fuck it- other people seem boring, stereotypical, unoriginal, predictable........yawn. Tell me something interesting about yourself.....I'm bored. The amount that people complain about stupid shit and the same shit is astounding. Everyone thinks they are special, their problems are unique.....and they are all the same. Mostly about money and love. And it's the same fucking problems over and over, only the people and amounts change. So trying. Do something interesting. Unique.
Our most recent generation finds the words describing how someone dies as too difficult, so they use a word like unalived....that is the stupidest fucking thing. Life is messy, get the fuck over it.
It's about normal and abnormal trauma. I now have to much abnormal trauma that I have a different idea of normal trauma. My abnormal trauma: Father in prison for 23 years for a crime he did not commit. He will die on parole for something he did not do. Blood clot in my brain, 2 days after my wedding, caused by birth control pills. Hysterectomy caused by adenomyosis- blood clots coming out of me for months with pain. The big one- widowed at 44 by an alcoholic husband (which has now resulted in his mother bullying and trying life rape me.) Which then means I classify different things as normal trauma: being raped (unfortunately for me it has been physical and mental), assaulted, broken bones with funny stories, fired after my husband dies, cat dies, abandoned by my husband's entire family.
You want to know who I am? The devil is in the details. I don't mean any religious references there. I mean the details.
That's great, you want to know me? Why would I want to know you?
Black men pursue. White men want to be wooed.
The reason woman walks behind man isn't because he controls her, it's because he protects her.
Just because you were a bad mother doesn't mean I was a bad wife.
I am a woman that can stand on her own and bring you to your knees.
Inspirational movie quotes for those over 40. #1 - you'll die if you try. - pennywise.
What movie character's end would you want? ROY NEARY - Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Saw the new Cybertruck today- why are you driving in an amalgamation of every futuristic car in an 80s movie. Why are you driving geometry? Also - you know considering how much you spent on it - if just feels off that I am laughing from my 2012 Toyota Corolla.
The worst role to ever get is the before for something.....talk about unattainable goals...the best version of you is someone else.
Rule #37 of being an introvert - never host the party. (THE GATE)
At any point, Boogie is at a level 10, when it comes to food, the look of tiny teddy bear disappointment, when it is just his normal pet food, is just sooo cute.
Quote#3 - you have to look with better eyes - Lindsey Brigman (The Abyss)
Words I still have trouble spelling at 45 - 1. January 2. February 3. Calendar So so pretty.
Am I the only one who see The Abyss, while a great film, is full of other version of actors....stars not Bruce Willis, not Julia Robert's, not John Goodman, not Tracy Chapman (not an actress, but One Night?), not Steve Buscemi. So weird.
Anybody else have movies they don't watch because the kid is so annoying? The Babadook.
Men fight wars in the world to gain adornments and accessories....women have wars going on inside and do it wearing adornments and accessories.
Quote #4: What the hell is that smell?- Independence day.
Just realized that someone will be able to Wicked Witch of the East insult me......I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too.
A pick up line that would work on me - I like your curves, can I play with hot wheels on them......I'll make sound effects? Haha :)
When I say I don't know, that is not always an invitation for explanation, sometimes I am happy with not knowing.
Youth gives you health while age gives you intelligence. They are never on the same schedule. When you are young, you can run but stupid (inexperienced), when you get older, your mind settles and your intelligence can flourish, but your body is starting go ache. Then as your mind goes, your body has failed.....last to go is your mind...
Taco Bell new slogan - might as well, taco bell.....cheaper, fast, and easy.
Words are the tools for actions. They are not to be used in place of.
With me, I'm not like a dog with a bone, I'm a bitch with your boner.
Is you or is you ain't a part of my consistency?
Comfort movie for the wife/widow of an alcoholic- Kubricks The Shining- particularly Shelly Duvall's acting towards an alcoholic husband..
The worst lie to ever be told is I love you.
What makes pink lemonade pink?
Watching Tremors and I just can't help thinking how illogical cowboy boots are in that movie. Just seems to make it so much more difficult. All should have changed to tennies with homegirl.
One thing I will never get, when a doctor asks you on a level of 1 - 10, what is your pain level? Why do they not ask you what you define a level 10 pain? This just seems logical. Take me for example, my physical pain level 10 is a blood clot in the brain, so if I say my pain level is at an 8 or a 9, that would be cause for concern. But someone else's level 10, may be something different. A woman vs. A man. Woman can take prolonged amounts of pain, for long periods of time, men are just stubborn and just can take larger amounts of pain in spurts. If you use a broad and universal scale, ask the patient to first remember the last time they felt a level 10, what was that? Just sayin' lynn logic.
Coming out of trauma is weird. Rememories!
Memories come back. Random shit. I just remembered that matches that are white can be lit on other surfaces like concrete. I once knew for some reason and it just came back.
10-15-24 - I fell out of bed this morning, hit my back on my night stand. I'm still adjusting to moving. On one of the first nights, I got lost on the way to the bathroom, peed myself. The bathroom is right out side my bedroom door. Those middle of the night adventures mess me up. I forget where I am and don't recognize my surroundings while in my bed. So much change in such a short amount of time, sometimes my brain doesn't seem caught up. All the stuff in my life that was auto learned. Stuff that was muscle memory, everything has changed. In 15 months, I've lost my husband and his family, my job, my pets, my home, my future, my comfort, my person, my soul mate, my heart. I am not alone, I have my family and friends. The ones that I abandoned for my husband, they came back in full force. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing women. I am not who I was, I am healing.
I once gave a stone to Drew with the words "you are not alone" etched into it. He carried it in his pocket for years, rubbed the words off. I find myself saying that to myself more than anything else. :)
We used to have the most epic fights, I once told him that I didn't have the luxury of blacking out....that it was easier to deal with your bad behavior if you don't remember it.....and then the fight started. I fought with him and then I fought for him. I fought for him after he had given up.
10/16/24 - 9:49am - just remembered the word conquistadors (sp?) Check later. :)
10/18/24 - The first dream I remember I had for like 8 years started when I was 8. Scene opens on a cobblestoned cul de sac and a woman in a blue dress with an apron and she is sweeping off her porch. A man in a wheelchair, dressed in army gear and guns on his wheelchair rolls in and opens fire. Huh! Wonder if it was prophetic. I live in a cul de sac now with a cobblestone street across the way....as I write this I am sitting on my porch in a navy blue dress and a makeshift apron.....if some muthafucka rolls up in a wheelchair....I'm out....I will hide in my closet. Haha...
10/21/24 - you know, so many people these days are trying to be special, matter, be remembered. It's so egocentric. Do people not understand that if everybody is special, then no one is. I don't want to be special. I just want to be treated nicely. I am tired of pain.
10/21/24 - thoughts as I was recently texted the 3 most common business bullshit platitudes recently. They are: It's not personal, it's business. I speak very honest and direct. We will always be friends. Now if you have ever heard any or all of these, then congratulations you lost. Once these are said, just exit from that client or company. It's not personal, it's business- why is this always said as a defense mechanism or as a blanket statement. Come on, all business is personal. We are humans. I am working to pay my bills to have the life that makes me happy....how is that not personal. Also, why is this said after an emotional outburst, you acted in a way that felt personal. Careful, your emotions are showing. So here is my response, if at any point I have to "fight" or "defend" my pay and it results in me not getting paid, then client is dropped. I'm in the business of accounting. All I do is money and if I am not guaranteed my money, then there is no point in working with that client. Part ways - end relationship. That's business. I don't work for free, and my time is money. So if you don't respect my time, then I can't respect you. I speak very honest and direct. Let me interpret this sentence....it means the same thing every time- I am about to or have already speak or spoken to you and disregard your emotions. I am going to act very emotional and if you respond emotionally, I will rinse and repeat aforementioned statement. Welcome to business gaslighting 101. How to properly act like a dick. Direct is just dick. Prepare. Not much response. Hope their emotions calm down. We will still be friends. Muthafucka! We aren't friends. You pay me to talk to you, to work for you- there is a different type of relationship that is more similar: that between a hooker and a John. If you don't pay me, I'm not your friend. Not that I ever was. Think about what a friend is and if you consider what I am as a friend, then that is a sad definition. I don't consider you a friend. I have my friends and clients and bosses are not the same.
I will say the bulk of emotional people that I have had to deal with in business have all been grown men. I swear....talk about whiney bitches. You know the saying - my balls are bigger than yours, they are on my chest to prevent chaffing. Damn, my balls are big.
If reincarnation is a thing, I would want to come back as a goat...I would be the GOAT goat or a capybara, those muthafuckas get along with every animal. I've seen a video of one riding an crocodile....a dinosaur....a capybara gets along with a dinosaur. :)
Well, color me fucked, full, and stoned. My happy place. 😀
Lady, your son is dead. How have you not learned. You are a shitty human being.
10/22/24 - conversation with mom....first off you have to know, my mom will do anything for a free lunch.....anything. this time it included a luncheon about cremation at Trio's. Conversation this morning. So mom, how messed up is it that you are going to a luncheon on cremation at a place with a huge brick oven in the middle, you have to ask, will it take place here or somewhere else. To which my mom responds, how messed up is it that I, as a Jewish woman, am going to a luncheon on cremation in a place with a huge oven. Laughter ensued. Damn, mom, I thought us jews stayed away from large ovens. Haven't we learned. Hahaha.
10/22/24 - from my 78 year old Jewish mothers lips this morning - oh wow! This old band, I haven't heard their name in forever - Iron Maiden. What? That is not a band I would have thought she said. Hours later.......oh! It's not Iron Maiden, it's Iron Butterfly.
She broke him and I couldn't fix him.
10/26/24 - was thinking, B. and I had a conversation the other day and she had said, when will they learn, sex doesn't mean anything to you. Okay yes and no. I'm not heartless, I think a part of me has loved everyone I have been with, however brief, and so so many. I'm a lover....I enjoy the entire experience of it and miss it when it is gone. She also said that Drew had a succubus and starved her. Now that is 100% true. Hahaha
10/26/24 - orignal thought - Espionage + SpongeBob = EspiongeBob. SpongeBob is like James Bond....except he's Agent H20.
10/27/24 - I was his reason for living until he decided my life would be better without him. I was never in control.
10/30/24 - all I've done is dive head first into my grief. I embraced it. After being abandoned by his family it was all I had left of him. So I read, I read emails, texts messages and I learned who my husband really was. I spoke to the pawn store that he pawned his wedding band to, I spoke to his friends. I learned truth after so many lies and the biggest truth I learned? His parents are absolutely horrible. To him. To me. I honestly believe she is happy he is gone. All the times she gave up on him, he finally gave up. I was thinking of a story my husband once told me about her dropping him off at the men's shelter and then I remembered another story of him living in his car. My memories are coming back. That's what life after trauma is like. It's rebuilding yourself. I was so lost. I was so invested, committed to my husband and now that he is gone life is.....different. honestly harder, life is full of rough edges and bad people. I'm healing. I'm strong. It's the kind of strength that gets forced on you. You can either let it break you or stand on the rubble. I didn't break my husband. But I was there for him. I was there for him all the way to the end. The last thing my husband heard me say to him on the way to the ambulance was, "I love you Drew." Those were my last words to my husband and I am glad.
A rape culture dress- a full parka, all black with the words I could use a good fuck. Because it doesn't matter what you wear, that's what rapists see.
If I get married again, it would be for something real, like health insurance. Hahaha.
I have owned a pair of handcuffs for more than 20 years and the only time I have ever used them was to handcuff a guy to a fire hydrant..for 2 hours....I think.
11/7/24 - you know, I took away his access to money. I took his truck keys. And he would always find a way to get alcohol, all the way up to pawning his wedding band. My battle was different. My battle was with my husband for my husband, and I lost when he decided to give up on living. For Drew, living was always a struggle. He saw it as a battle he was fighting and he lost. The battle is always for time. That's what we all fight for is more time. How do you win if you're fighting for time and the other person wants time to end.
11/7/24 - memory - every time Drew saw a pregnant woman, he would look at me, and say with a thick fake southern accent, "she got fucked." And I would giggle every time, cause he wasn't wrong. Hahahaha.
I want to share my memories cause, because I would have loved to share them with his family, but they want nothing to do with me. Plus, I want Drew to be remembered, not brushed under the rug.
11/7/24 - Comedy Routine? hi my name is Lynn and I like black men....oh and I'm a taurus. I mean, come on, I look like someone who judges you based on your zodiac sign, nope. Just like everyone else, I use I to explain my bad behavior. Of course, I'm stubborn, I'm a taurus. I know I look like Shaggy's (from Scooby Doo) stoner aunt, I look like I would have a YouTube channel on how to properly roll a joint. :) So a little back story about me- I'm 45, daughter of a convicted felon, a widow of an alcoholic, I survived a blood clot in my brain caused by birth control pills, I also had a hysterectomy due to another clotting issue. And you know how I deal with my trauma, you know besides drugs, is laughter. I mean yes I am stoned as hell so I can laugh....I mean who is out here raw dogging life. All that shit I have gone through is weird. It's not normal, I'm too interesting now. It kind of sucks. Although, so do I. Sorry, and I do apologize a lot. I have the maturity level of a pubescent boy. I will make a dirty joke about everything the way parents in the 80s would make everything a threat. The sentence always be I'll _____ your _____. I'll aluminum your foil. I'll paper your towel. Those just became dirty in adulthood. I'll hammer your nail. I'll spread your sheets. :)Now I consider myself the personification of Murphy's Law. I mean when something goes bad for me, it goes bad in the worst possible way. I mean, I really am lucky to even be alive (I love you Drew). Went skydiving- first time- landed on my face (went more times after and it was always the best). Surfing- almost drowned. Zip lining through the rain forest- decided to go upside down (cause how many opportunities would I have and the guide did it)- hit a little....what are those things....tree. just one. The blood clot in my brain? Occurred 2 days after my wedding. During my hysterectomy - car got repossessed. So yes some of the murphication is totally a by product of risky activities, but the other? Um for fucks sake! 3 week after my husband died, I got fired from my job. A month after that. My cat died. And I want to say that during all this past struggle, my late husband's family, abandoned me and bullied me. And as a result of NC Estate law and the circumstances surrounding my husband, the are entitled to half of my husband's estate. Fine, I have accepted this. However, when the decided to deliver this news to me, it was after I had gone to them for help. Meaning the type of people who kick you when you're down. The estate is what it is- it's the law. I have no fight and won't fight them. Okay - that didn't end funny - that's a ramble for me. Haha
Before I was the widow of an alcoholic, I was the wife of one. Any delusion that my situation didn't leave some fun triggering PTSD is audacious. I've made friends with my neuroses. My massive anxiety that keeps me one step away from being a totally shut in- that's Agnes. My neurodivergent brain that makes me talk with parenthesis- you think Stephen King can write a tangent- watch me get stuck in a ramble. Because on top we spice on a dash of mania- I don't have the depression side. But I do have maniac episodes, with anger....surprised? No? Neither am I.
Now don't feel sorry for me. I am surrounded by so much love. I am surrounded by some of the most amazing women and most pleasurable men. To have gone through that much trauma. I really don't stress the small shit anymore. No more road rage. What's the point? If I can't change it, why get upset? I tried to change so much, I tried to fight for things and at the end of the day.....I have love and laughter and time.
I do want to share all this to tell you, and I mean the proverbial you, you are not alone. And when it gets hard and you are forced into a situation that makes you strong- you got this. People don't understand that telling someone they have strength, is telling them that they noticed they survived. Having strength sucks. It's mean you went through some shit. But I can tell you, we are much stronger than we think. You can do this. Find the little joys. The little things that make you smile. Like walking through leaves on a fall day or a good cheese. :) besides the obvious examples- didn't think I needed to be overt there. Just try to laugh, what's it going to hurt. Laugh and remember. The other side of trauma that I am learning is that memories come back. And those memories and the ones I have are hugs. I will just be walking along, walking my dog, and something will trigger a memory and I will smile. Here's an example, I was driving in the car with my mom and went through a yellow light, and involuntarily kissed my fingers and touched the car roof. I hadn't done that since maybe 18, right around the time I stopped holding my breath past cemeteries or picking my feet up driving over railroad tracks. But this involuntary thing came back and I looked at my mom and literally went, what the fuck? I say all that to say....we heal. Healing is ugh, not fun sometimes. I have risen from a crumbled and broken mess on my kitchen floor at mine and my husband's home. And I'm here....and while I miss so much and missed out on so much- chin up, tits out.
11/8 - the thing I am the most angry about is that my husband was right about his mother.
11/12 - one of my favorite quotes has always been, one of the greatest tricks the devil pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. I'm sure it has some religious origin, but for me I learned it from the devil's advocate. I interpret it as meaning the masks we wear. The person we are to the world vs. The one we are in private. For me even more personally is I have seen many people who pretend to be good in the world and are bad in private. I have seen the worst in people.
11/14 - today hasn't been a good day, exactly a week from our wedding anniversary and I woke up at 5 am from a panic attack. Let me elaborate, I was dead asleep and woke because I was sweating and my heart was racing. I took my meds, then toked my meds. After the panic attack subsided, I was downed in emotions and starting sobbing. I do not know what emotion I was feeling, it was more an amalgamation of everything. It was so heavy. I'm just sooo tired and feel so alone. The rain today seems to match my mood.
I ran into an old work colleague a couple of weeks ago. This was someone I saw regularly and they couldn't recognize me, i had to finally tell them my name. I wonder how much I have changed. I'm down 70 pounds, my hair has grown, not only back but more than I've had in a long time (I'm just letting it grow). I have tone in my shape. I'm still learning to look in the mirror after so many years and the face I see is starting to look familiar. She smiles...although she does have sadness lines.....looks like a bass (fish). But my eyes don't look so dark anymore, the light is slightly coming in in very small amounts, I am returning. You never can know how you'll react to trauma, and how it shapes who you become. And I like who I am and still love everyday. I feel no guilt and no regret. I don't think about what I could have done, because I have finally accepted that I was never in control. I never had the whole truth from day 1. And that crushing blow was a hard one. I will wake up each day and breathe, just breathe. Chin up, tits out.
11/17 - my favorite director/actor relationship is John Carpenter/Kurt Russell.
11/27 - was playing with my turkey neck this morning - was shaking it and saying "gobble gobble" seemed appropriate since tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Then I had a thought, that little kid was right, he wasn't a chicken and I am a turkey. From the old PSA where we used to tell children to stand up to drug dealers and call then names. Ain't gonna do that shit today....shouldn't have probably advised it then. Yeah, little 6 year old kid approaching today's drug dealers, "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey." Are 6 year Olds approached by drug dealers, is that too young of an age to use as a representation? I don't know. Don't have kids, everyone under 30 is the same age to me, like 14. Also, not a great babysitter. Don't advise it. Hahahahaha. Accidentally taught my nephew fuck and shit in less than a minute, backing out of a parking spot. I mean, it's not like my sister doesn't know me, that's as much her fault as mine.
11/30/24 - made it super awkward with one of my neighbors, I thought she was my doordasher and she was lost....so I waved at her and said over here, as my actual doordasher was pulling up. To be fair when she got out of her vehicle she had a drink and I had ordered a drink.
New word - Freakture- creature + freak
1/2/25 - family becomes strangers, strangers become friends, friends become family.
1/3/25 - I like to do the opposite of trolling....leaving nice or funny comments on IG. Like the hot black man I commented on, "damn, I think my uterus just grew back" or the hot African chicken farmer I commented on, "I mean I have eggs, can I be your chicken?". Sensing a theme? Hahaha.
1/4/25 - men are stupid and predictable. Example - I have seen all types of men in my life do this from employees to husband and texting makes it soo much easier. If they think they know the answer to the question you ask and won't like the answer they will ignore the question. Now 1. Yes we already know the answer. 2. You don't know what our reaction would be. More than likely we have already processed our emotions to deal with you being defensive. Cause at the end of the day it will come right back to how our behavior affected you. Now as the widow of alcoholic, here's where I'm at with today's men- I don't care. The non-answer is the answer. Now I'll repeat the question a second time- cause of copy & paste, muthafucka.
All I want is for people to be who they tell me they are.
1/11 - I will follow the estate law to the letter, doesn't mean I agree with it.
2/10 - they took my time to grieve and made me fight.
3/3 - thoughts - they are forcing me to make a decision with this offer so I want to force them for an agreement on distribution. Offer and distribution must be agreed upon at the same time. Things they did for their son are not favors to me. Nothing is owed to them prior to their interest in the property on the date of Drew's death - July 13, 2023.
Self-entertaining
Side chick bit- male version Phil In.
He did make an ugly woman, that's okay, I love him.
Put his woman Pic on a t shirt on the stomach part cause tits distort the image.
Stance on religion-either everybody is right or everybody is wrong- it has to do with accepting belief as a concept. Me? I have always believed in people.
I'm a high maintenance woman meaning 1. I'm always high and 2. I require A LOT of maintenance.
My dog fake peed on something, received the sign for bad, came to me for a bottom pop, growled then laid by my feet.

End.....for here - me? I kept writing.

Other Writings

Drew's Eulogy

Lynn Logic - Raw Thoughts I Wrote While I Was (and still am) Healing

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